A Garden For You.

SLike waves crashing on to the shore, your memories hit me with their fierce force at times and make me stumble under their unexpected onslaught. Though the frequency has lessened, the intensity has not. There are periods of times I happily go about my daily routine and then there are those dark moments that cast a shadow on everything bright, plunging the sun into the sea at noon. I dread this blackness, the sheer nothingness of it chokes me and I forget to breathe for a while.

The finality of your going away hits me, knowing there is no way you will be back with me in this lifetime scares me, makes me realize the severity of my loss and I can feel my heart sink to the bottom of my rib cage, collapsing with grief, deflated like a balloon with a tear.

I find your pretty white hair on the keyboard of my laptop you used to love scratching with your sharp nails and I forget to type. Walking into a room, I spy your favorite toy, the one your Didi had wanted to put with you in the incinerator but the man at the cemetery had refused citing some excuse and I can’t stop my tears from flowing down my cheeks.

Listening to the song that was playing on the radio during your last car ride to the hospital brings a smile to my face because you were there with me when I had heard it last but it also breaks my heart. I missed you so much today that I could think of nothing else; I had to hold you in my arms one last time so I opened the urn and held your ashes in my hands. Forgive me for this intrusion but it did help the panic subside.

Since your going away, there have been a lot of waking hours, unaccounted for from my days. I sit down to read a book but after a couple of hours I look down at the unopened book in my lap and wonder what’s the matter with me, or is it the clock’s fault for racing ahead of me.

After a month’s mourning I have started going to the park for my walk, late in the evenings. The first day was bad, I could manage only 15 minutes of strolling but after a week it has increased to 25 minutes. I have made a furry friend in the park, his name is Brownie. I talk to him about you, my Sparky baby, and he listens. He sits next to me on the lawn and lets me scratch behind his ears and on top of his head.

1I have converted the balcony into a mini garden in your memory and have planted a few indoor plants in containers. I talk to them and tell them stories about you, they seem to enjoy them because my garden looks green, bright and cheerful. You have made a decent gardener out of me, I no longer have black thumbs 🙂

1095724443By Sulekha Rawat

12 thoughts on “A Garden For You.

  1. I love your little garden Sulekha. You are being very very brave by trying to go on with your life while still remembering the happy times with Sparky. I hope time takes away all the pain of losing him and leaves you with happy memories only.

  2. Oh dear Sulekha, that brought tears to my eyes as I visualised you, missing your baby! This is so difficult, I can’t imagine how you have managed. May God give you the strength to move on. And, I am sure Sparky is there around you, somewhere.

  3. I shed a tear, Sulekha. My heart goes out to you. I can imagine your pain. You are doing your best to heal. Love how you’ve taken up gardening in Sparky’s memory.

  4. I cried. Yes, I did. Because this post took me back ten years ago, when I lost my own dog. We haven’t replaced him till now and his memories continue to live on. Forever.

    I’m glad you have now focused your energies on gardening. Sparky is looking at you and smiling. Remember that.

  5. That is just awesome! Plants can hear, you know. They can feel emotions too. And if you’re telling them stories about Sparky, they’ll be able to sense your love in your words. No wonder your garden looks thriving! Your plants know that they are in a family that is brimming with love to share!

  6. Just reading about how you miss your pet makes me teary 🙁 I can feel it.
    Loved your garden, you have maintained it so well 🙂 The pots would make such a beautiful decorative piece.

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