A lifetime of regret

On waking up in the mornings, I feel like going back to sleep.Opening my eyes hurts my soul.I remember that He is not around anymore and I don’t like this emptiness.I don’t know what our connection is,He is my father and I love him,but to feel like this is akin to abandonment. He has abandoned me and left me to fend for myself.His unconditional love is something I will miss forever.He loves me in spite of all my faults and not because of anything.I have lost a staunch supporter,ardent fan,mentor and a loving Dad.

Every morning it’s the same story,I open my eyes and remember Him.A load lands on my chest with a resounding thud and I am breathless. I can hear the sound of crashing waves in my ears, I can’t hear myself scream.
I have a wonderful family,but he is missing from my life, I just can’t come to terms with this loss.I wanted Him to be there for me forever,I know it’s selfish of me but I am a spoilt brat.He spoils me with his love and unabashed adoration,his total acceptance of me ,with all my flaws.I love him and I let him down.

He was admitted in the hospital on 2nd January 2010,He had called me up from there,He had said,”My eyes are peeled to the door because I’ve heard that you are coming to Bombay”.And what did I do,I refused,I broke his heart.On 7th Jan He was discharged from the hospital,He had called me up in the evening and told me that He was very depressed, stressed,tired and weak.I didn’t listen to what he was trying to tell me.I was too wrapped up in my upcoming Birthday celebrations.

On 8th January 2010 morning at 6am He called me up and wished me a happy birthday.He sounded upbeat,positive,happy and cheerful.we spoke at length and He told me He was felling wonderful,It was his last gift to me.He didn’t want to spoil my birthday.It was an act,the same evening at 4pm He breathed his last.I let Him down,I am to blame,I broke his heart.I am guilty,I don’t know what to do now.What do I do? It’s too late……

6 thoughts on “A lifetime of regret

  1. Hi!Sulekha…sometimes one finds expression of one's thoughts through someone else's words and thats how I felt reading your heart-wrenching piece…I lost my mother sometime back too and although its going to be 2yrs this coming Jan I still find it difficult to accept the fact that she is no more and yet feel that now she has become one with me…with her gone I felt like my conversations had ended.So sorry for your loss…

  2. My deepest condolences to you Rima, losing a parent is really tough, and it doesn't matter at what age it happens we feel lost and alone. Do let me know how you coped with her going away, I am still lost. Thanks for sharing…take care

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