This is a guest post by Poonam.
How could I be alive ? Why am I not dead? These were the thoughts rushing in her mind as she sat next to her father’s lifeless body, her father ,her mentor, her God. She had always thought she could never survive without him being around. But she was sitting next to his body and breathing, she was still alive. She remembered her father as the most charming person, the most giving, he was a perfect human being, a perfect father ,a perfect friend ,a perfect husband, for her he was perfect. Her world revolved around him, at least that is what she thought all her life. All her life she looked for his approval and always ended up hurting him, for she was a total rebel who loved her father a lot. She wanted to please him but did things that displeased him and yet he loved her, unconditionally because of this she never realised she was hurting him and kept on doing it …Today sitting next to him when he couldn’t complain or show his happiness she was recollecting every moment spent with him and all she remembered was his smile, his love, his always saying yes for whatever she asked permission for.
“Did I hurt him more or loved him more? Did he love me more or hurt me more by being there for me no matter what ? I hurt him for 47 years and he loved me for 47yrs, now I will love him for the rest of my life and he will hurt me by not being there. I have realized that he loved me unconditionally without complaints and it hurts now that he is no more to pardon me.., wish I had asked for his forgiveness long back,really wish I had . Wish he had hurt me then so that it wouldn’t pain so much now… wish I had hated him sometime in my life to console myself today, wish I had wished him to be gone sometime in my life , so that the ache would be less today…he knew when he was loving me all my life that he would hurt me when he won’t be with me. . He overlooked all my shortcomings and smilingly accepted me, made me what I am ,gave me all he had, most importantly he gave me no reason to hate him then and he gives me no reason to hate him now. I am his loving daughter and he will always remain my only God”….