Until I get there

Today is 8th Dec 2010, it’s been exactly eleven months since you left me and went away, I still miss you. I had thought that I had healed, but was sadly mistaken. There hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t missed your loving presence in my life. Your memories keep me strong, your presence in my heart gives me hope to carry on and face anything in this world. Some days I fail to live up to your expectations and breakdown, can’t seem to go on without you.

I miss you so much dad. I haven’t forgotten you and never will, but what scares me is that I have learn t to live without you. Some days I am so happy, I sing and dance, it’s a betrayal of sorts. It’s at such moments that I question myself, I start doubting my love for you. I had thought I would die without you in my life, I didn’t, and I even started living normally again, how could I?

This morning I woke up early and glanced at my bedside table, there you were, smiling at me and blessing me. Your total acceptance of my behaviour undid me and I broke down. You are the reason I am surviving, you are guiding me, showing me the way to live happily. You chase away the fears and insecurities from my life and instead fill it with optimism, happiness and love. You haven’t gone away from my life but have become one with it and are always around, with me. Maybe that is why I don’t feel so sad most of the time, but some days I want to hug you and feel your arms around me, miss the cocoon of your sweet and unconditional love. Want your hand on my head, blessing me, to see your happy smile, hear you call out my name,” Lucks, my dear Looksy”.

Miss all this and more, want to hear you say,” I love you.” I know you will whisper it in my ear, but is it enough? Miss everything about you, I love you and always will. I had wanted to close my eyes and never open them again, had willed my heart to stop beating, when your heart had stopped. But you had given me hope and the strength to continue living. You always had my best interests at heart and were looking out for me even then. Sai babaji, please look after my dad and keep him safe until I get there.


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