Missing my parents so much it is unbearable.

‘Who, being loved, is poor?’ ~ Oscar Wilde

My parents accompanied me to the gym yesterday, and it was wonderful. I showed them my fitness routine and they were proud of me. I walked on the treadmill and broke my own record by walking 2 km in 20 minutes. Usually, I take about 24 minutes. That is the track length of the stadium, but yesterday I did it in 19.33 minutes. It was an accomplishment and I was glad my parents were there to see it. However small it may seem.

Next, I did three sets of bench presses with a 10 KG weight (or maybe 20 – I’m honestly not sure). Followed by bicep and tricep curls, again, three sets of 15 reps each. After that, I moved onto floor exercises and did hundred crunches (two sets of 50 crunches each). 

Then came mountain climbers, followed by some stretching – downward facing dog, cobra, child pose, etc. It took me exactly one hour to complete my session, and through it all, my parents were with me – smiling at me, blessing me, nodding at each other, giving me a thumbs up, encouraging me, motivating me, inspiring me, loving me, and just being there with me in my happy place.

It may seem odd to you that a sixty year old is taking her 80+ year parents to the gym to show off, but there is a story behind it. Let me tell you that story since I am somewhat of a storyteller.

My father passed away in 2010 on 8th January, coincidentally my birthday. It’s been 14 years since he’s been gone, and we always lived far from my hometown because of my husband‘s job. Dad could not visit me more often due to his business and work constraints. I used to tell him about my gym and how much I enjoyed working out there. He used to say that one day I will come and see what you do, and I’ll show you how it is done right because I am your father. Jokes apart he could never make it here and passed away with that wish remaining unfulfilled.

My mother stayed with us for another 14 years, but her heart was always with my dad. She passed away this June – 20th June to be exact, and my parents were reunited. My mother was bedridden for the past one year and used to complain about not being able to walk around, go to her temple, or even to the washroom. She was extremely unhappy to be confined to the bed for so long. I think, in a way, it was liberating for her to walk away from it all and be with my dad.

She used to love listening to my stories, about how I shock some people in the gym because of my grey hair and my tyre-flipping, rope pulling and leg pressing. She wanted to visit me, but her condition didn’t allow it. Now, I can take them with me wherever they wish to come, so yesterday was my first outing with them to the gym.

I was smiling while doing the crunches and am sure people around me were wondering why is she looking up and smiling? We can see the sky from the glass windows in the gym, so while I was on the mat and looking up at the sky, I could see my mom and dad, watching me while sitting on the clouds and sipping their favourite drinks. In my dad’s case, it had to be something cool and refreshing like a beer, and my mom was sipping on her piping hot ginger tea with lots of sugar in it.

In fact, because they were watching me, I did more crunches and sit-ups than I usually manage to do. Every child wants to be adored and admired by his/her parents and longs to see their approving, appreciating nods and smiles. I am no exception even at sixty, am still their little kid and will always be one to them.

So, mummy and daddy, I hope you enjoyed your visit to the gym with me. Next up is my favourite walk in the stadium. I will take you with me for the 4 km brisk walk next time, and I’m sure you’ll enjoy it as much as you did the gym.

I miss you both so much, and it hurts that you’re not physically around, but you are always with me, and that is comforting to some extent. The human mind is a peculiar thing and we can trick it into believing that we are happy, even when we are miserable inside. The heart aches, eyes cry, but we smile through it all because we know we are loved, and will always be loved. I am grateful to be your daughter and hope to be your child in my next life as well. Thank you, dad and mom for being my wonderful parents. I love you and miss you a lot everyday.

In loving memory of my dad and my mom.

Healing from grief is allowing the courage and purpose within you and the love someone else left you, to merge and create a new sense of being. ~Terri Guillemets.