And then, somehow, I don’t know why,
I tell her everything and cry.
She hugs me then, and right away
I feel less sad. That’s mother’s way…
~Anonymous, “Mother’s Way,” 1905

Why does it hurt so much when I talk about my mom? What is this hollow, hopeless feeling of loss? People say, time heals all wounds. It’s been 15 years since my dad passed away and my heart is still broken. Now that mom is also no more in my life, how will life become normal?

I lost my mom last year in June, and I’m still dealing with my loss. The only comforting thought is that my mother has reunited with my dad in heaven, and they are living happy, healthy lives together once again.

This year on eighth January, my mother wasn’t  present for my dad’s Barsi and my birthday,  (they both fall on the same ill-fated date). For the last 14 years we’ve had prayer meets, followed by lunch for all present, on this day. I remember my mother singing bhajans in the temple and smiling, even though she was sad and missed my dad.

My mother loved to pray. She used to write bhajans in numerous diaries and books. It is another matter that she could not sing in sync with the dholak. She sang off key and off tune at times but her love for the divine was evident in her voice.

I would give anything to hear her off key and off tune bhajans and listen to her favourite catchphrase, Bakwaas, which means ‘useless’. She would say the food is useless. The movie is useless. The weather is useless, her new shoes are useless. The salwar suit stitched by the tailor is useless. In fact whenever I don’t like something, I also gravitate towards the term ‘Bakwaas’.

Today, as I sit and remember my parents, I want them to know that I am healing, slowly and steadily. But some days when I see a  mother daughter movie, I miss my mother a lot. I miss my dad every single day.

If recollecting were forgetting
Then I remember not.
And if forgetting, recollecting,
How near I had forgot!…
~Emily Dickinson

-Sulekha